Avoiding friction -- by expelling people who are different, by outsourcing creativity and connection to AI -- feels easier. It actually makes life worse.
This is such a great essay - it crystallized a lot of what I've been thinking about in more religious language as the spiritual underpinnings of real democracy.
Friction also means being open to being vulnerable and changeable - and that is not just uncomfortable, it is also scary and challenging. Part of makes our relationships profound (maybe the main part!) is how *we* change as a result of them. It means a willingness to put something of what we "are" on the table.
There is something about the American experience, maybe our take on self-reliance and self-sufficiency, that militates against ever feeling that vulnerability or openness.
“deep human satisfaction often comes from overcoming challenges rather than having them removed from your path”
Good point. Kind of a digression, but reading this essay made me think about what’s going on politically these days. Note re the MAGA-fied:
Our system of government frustrates and angers people because it is challenging. Yes, ‘consent of the governed’ means we all agree to it, but deciding, collectively, how we want to do things requires us to confront and resolve our disagreements. Constantly. So much easier in a way to let some authority make decisions for us—especially one that can confer wealth, status, and power on those willing and able to curry favor from it by whatever means necessary. We let our fellow citizens fall into that trap at our peril.
“ In the US, we have conducted an utterly insane experiment with multicultural democracy over a vast landmass and enormous population and it has made us one of the wealthiest, most dynamic, and most creative societies in the world.” So true. Almost scary how this, the utilization of the strengths of all citizens and the emancipation of women, has turned the US into a powerhouse without peer. And sad that we have decided to regress to the mean.
Jill, this so deeply resonates for me. The biggest problem with *external* validation -- whether it is pursued by living tribally or by bathing in the programmed affirmations of an AI "friend" -- is that it preempts *internal* validation, which is the hard work you're talking about that makes us better, stronger, and more empathic human beings.
Your essay immediately brought to mind two lines from the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins: "...Sheer plod makes plough-down sillion shine..." and "Glory be to God for dappled things." I am not religious but have learned, as you have, that the joy -- such as it is -- of life is not in ease or getting one's way, but in overcoming obstacles, both external and internal. That is, as you nail it, in friction.
Yes, we all need a boost now and then -- affirmation, confirmation. But if we don't develop the capacity for self-validation, self-forgiveness (which is utterly different from self-justification and making excuses), and self-love (the most difficult love by far), we might be efficient or successful but will be prone to project our self-nonacceptance onto others in the form of fear, contempt, or intolerance, even hate. We've seen so much of that of late.
This is such a great essay - it crystallized a lot of what I've been thinking about in more religious language as the spiritual underpinnings of real democracy.
Friction also means being open to being vulnerable and changeable - and that is not just uncomfortable, it is also scary and challenging. Part of makes our relationships profound (maybe the main part!) is how *we* change as a result of them. It means a willingness to put something of what we "are" on the table.
There is something about the American experience, maybe our take on self-reliance and self-sufficiency, that militates against ever feeling that vulnerability or openness.
“deep human satisfaction often comes from overcoming challenges rather than having them removed from your path”
Good point. Kind of a digression, but reading this essay made me think about what’s going on politically these days. Note re the MAGA-fied:
Our system of government frustrates and angers people because it is challenging. Yes, ‘consent of the governed’ means we all agree to it, but deciding, collectively, how we want to do things requires us to confront and resolve our disagreements. Constantly. So much easier in a way to let some authority make decisions for us—especially one that can confer wealth, status, and power on those willing and able to curry favor from it by whatever means necessary. We let our fellow citizens fall into that trap at our peril.
“ In the US, we have conducted an utterly insane experiment with multicultural democracy over a vast landmass and enormous population and it has made us one of the wealthiest, most dynamic, and most creative societies in the world.” So true. Almost scary how this, the utilization of the strengths of all citizens and the emancipation of women, has turned the US into a powerhouse without peer. And sad that we have decided to regress to the mean.
Jill, this so deeply resonates for me. The biggest problem with *external* validation -- whether it is pursued by living tribally or by bathing in the programmed affirmations of an AI "friend" -- is that it preempts *internal* validation, which is the hard work you're talking about that makes us better, stronger, and more empathic human beings.
Your essay immediately brought to mind two lines from the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins: "...Sheer plod makes plough-down sillion shine..." and "Glory be to God for dappled things." I am not religious but have learned, as you have, that the joy -- such as it is -- of life is not in ease or getting one's way, but in overcoming obstacles, both external and internal. That is, as you nail it, in friction.
Yes, we all need a boost now and then -- affirmation, confirmation. But if we don't develop the capacity for self-validation, self-forgiveness (which is utterly different from self-justification and making excuses), and self-love (the most difficult love by far), we might be efficient or successful but will be prone to project our self-nonacceptance onto others in the form of fear, contempt, or intolerance, even hate. We've seen so much of that of late.